Archive for January, 2009
It’s a fact that I love reading police reports. When the authoring officer has taken their time to do them well, the results can be rather arresting, if you’ll pardon the pun. Take for example this report, from this August in Portland, Oregon, about a 47 year old mean man who was caught naked, masturbating on a bridge:
While I was waiting for cover I could see [the subject] put lubrication on his semi-flaccid penis and then start to massage it in a rapid motion with his hand in a fist. He then picked up a rubber device and inserted his now erect penis in this rubber device and began to stroke the rubber device rapidly back and forth over his penis. He momentarily stopped and picked up a magazine and propped it on the pedestrian guardrail edge so he could better view it. He then disengaged the rubber device and began to kneel down and insert his penis in the pseudo vagina of the blow-up doll. He began to gyrate his hips back and forth while his erect penis was going in and out of the blow-up doll.
I then seized the blow-up doll, the packaged carton for the blow-up doll labeled as “Lindsay Fully Loaded Love Doll,” a personal rubber masturbation device and a pornographic magazine. The magazine was open to the nude picture of a female. As I attempted to deflate the blow-up doll, I could see that all three of the pseudo orifices of the doll had lubrication on them by the shiny, greasy sheen on them. I then took them to the Central Precinct property room and placed them in a locker as evidence.
Really, what the hell can you add to that? I just love the idea that this older man decided that the perfect way to get his rocks off that night was to stroll down to bridge on a warm summer night, dtrip down and make love to his shiny plastic lady friend. Unfortunately, the police report does not mention the size of his balls, because I am certain they were huge. A fun little footnote is found at the bottom of the report:
There was also a transient sleeping in a blanket about 3′ from where SB was engaged in his act(s).
Not only was he violating every hole on a Lindsay Lohan replica love doll, he was also doing it mere feet from a sleeping person! Did he not notice, as our society has trained us to just not see the needy, or did he like it? The brain shudders in turgid contemplation.
Masturbation on the Morrison Bridge: 2008’s Best Police Report [Pervscan via Willamette Week Online]
Hooray! James Gunn has provided the internet world with another wonderful installment of his breath taking conception, PG Porn. Billed as everything you love about porn, except the sex, this is a follow-up to the first installment, Nailing Your Wife. This time, it’s the director himself acting against a young lady who is, quite possibly, my favourite currently-active porn star, Sasha Grey, who will more than likely become a mainstream film actress in the next few years. Putting her historical significance, and my puppy lust aside, make sure you watch the video the whole way through; you don’t want to miss the punchline.
PG Porn: Roadside Ass-sistance [Spike]
In an act of literary genius, author Seth Grahame-Smith has taken Jane Austen’s classic novel and done to it what all modern media needs: added more zombies! Just read this description from the listing on amazon.com:
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies features the original text of Jane Austen’s beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie action. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton–and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she’s soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers–and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead. Complete with 20 illustrations in the style of C. E. Brock (the original illustrator of Pride and Prejudice), this insanely funny expanded edition will introduce Jane Austen’s classic novel to new legions of fans.
I highly approve of this concept, and encourage others to take a similar approach to updated other “classic” works of literature. Just think about it! David Copperfield and Zombies, Wuthering Heights is Filled with Zombies, Moby Dick Fights a Zombie, Great Zombie Expectations, A Tale of Two Cities Under Siege by Zombies… The ideas just spill out! Really, we all need more tales of zombies in our lives, if only to keep us on our toes for the inevitable Zombie Holocaust.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies [Topless Robot]
I think the title is rather self-explanatory. The good folk at Ectoplasmosis seem undecided as to whether or not this long-furred coat is made of monkey pelts. While the idea of skinning anthropoids for clothing is generally regarded as horrible in the Occidental countries nowadays, back in the decadent 20s I’m sure it was probably considered quite daringly fashionable. I personally like to believe that Ms. Swanson actually hunted down each and every monkey herself, wielding a handmade bow and wearing very little in the way of protective clothing. It really makes for quite the fetching mental image.
Nothing quite as pretty as a sign done up in a half-dozen colours of neon. The little “flames” at the top of the sign dance back and forth in a pleasantly irregular pattern. Never tried the restaurant, mind you, but I’d be willing to bet it’s pretty good, considering how wonderful their sign is.
My favourite thing about Twitter is the random links that people toss onto it. Todays example, a very damn bizarre ad for Cadbury’s Milk Chocolate Bars. I mean, what the hell is this trying to say to us? I find the girl on the right particularly disturbing; she looks like a 60 year old librarian in the body of an extremely unimpressed 10 year old.
The young lad, on the other hand, looks far too much like me on school picture day for me to honestly comment.
This is both sad and hilarious. An anonyblog for female bad sex survivors, I bang the worst dudes is made of of censor-barred images and brief anecdotes of poor sexual performance by males. The funny comes from the fact that a lot of these tales are dreadfullly droll, and you’re realy sorry that anyone had to go through that. The sad is closely related; it’s absolutely horrible that some of these girls got into the situations described. Take this highlight for example:
This guy would demand oral sex repeatedly and when I finally relented he tried to face-humped me like a rabbit.
Why would you finally give in? Why would you even keep hanging out with the guy? Tolerating his presence indicates to him that his behaviour is acceptable; giving in rewards his for his bothersome persistence. The fact that none of them accept any blame for the badness brings it a bit into the male-bashing perspective, but a bit of misandry is good for the soul, they tell me. Interesting, Firefox recognizes “misogyny”, but not “misandry”. Heh. Funny that.
Anyhow, it’s certainly worth taking your time to scroll through; there’s only eleven pages or so at this point, though I’m sure that’ll grow. I must say I question how many of the photos are genuine, and how many are just some random guy blacked out to the point of being unrecognizable, but they do add a certain pleasing visual style to the whole thing. Just don’t be surprised if some of the stories read more bitter than clever.
The city of Vancouver has been shrouded in fog for weeks now. I’m expecting horrendous monsters to emerge at any minute. Click for a large version, as per usual.