I don’t know if I’m turned on or creeped out. Both, I think.
Archive for the ‘freaks’ Category
It’s a fact that I love reading police reports. When the authoring officer has taken their time to do them well, the results can be rather arresting, if you’ll pardon the pun. Take for example this report, from this August in Portland, Oregon, about a 47 year old mean man who was caught naked, masturbating on a bridge:
While I was waiting for cover I could see [the subject] put lubrication on his semi-flaccid penis and then start to massage it in a rapid motion with his hand in a fist. He then picked up a rubber device and inserted his now erect penis in this rubber device and began to stroke the rubber device rapidly back and forth over his penis. He momentarily stopped and picked up a magazine and propped it on the pedestrian guardrail edge so he could better view it. He then disengaged the rubber device and began to kneel down and insert his penis in the pseudo vagina of the blow-up doll. He began to gyrate his hips back and forth while his erect penis was going in and out of the blow-up doll.
I then seized the blow-up doll, the packaged carton for the blow-up doll labeled as “Lindsay Fully Loaded Love Doll,” a personal rubber masturbation device and a pornographic magazine. The magazine was open to the nude picture of a female. As I attempted to deflate the blow-up doll, I could see that all three of the pseudo orifices of the doll had lubrication on them by the shiny, greasy sheen on them. I then took them to the Central Precinct property room and placed them in a locker as evidence.
Really, what the hell can you add to that? I just love the idea that this older man decided that the perfect way to get his rocks off that night was to stroll down to bridge on a warm summer night, dtrip down and make love to his shiny plastic lady friend. Unfortunately, the police report does not mention the size of his balls, because I am certain they were huge. A fun little footnote is found at the bottom of the report:
There was also a transient sleeping in a blanket about 3′ from where SB was engaged in his act(s).
Not only was he violating every hole on a Lindsay Lohan replica love doll, he was also doing it mere feet from a sleeping person! Did he not notice, as our society has trained us to just not see the needy, or did he like it? The brain shudders in turgid contemplation.
Masturbation on the Morrison Bridge: 2008’s Best Police Report [Pervscan via Willamette Week Online]
Once upon a time, the Panhandle city of Vernon was a national laughingstock. Its people were ridiculed as bumpkins and cranks, freaks willing to shoot off their own hands. Then things changed. Time and hard work helped bury the past, and now Vernon has reclaimed some of its dignity. If only that were the end of the story.
And thus is the bizarre, heartbreaking story of Nubtown, Florida instroduced. Properly called Vernon, named after Geroge Washington’s Virginia home, Mt. Vernon, the city earned the name Nubville when, during the 50′s, there was a rash of suspicious amputations and limb-losses, so much so that insurance agencies started to refuse to offer policies to the residents. Those days are past, but the nickname lingers while the current occupants have tried to rebuild their town’s fallen image. The article is a moving tribute to some good people who’ve worked a long time to bring their town back, and who may lose it again, this time forever.
Dismembered Again [St. Petersburg Times]
Words fail me, they really do. So spooooky they are, with their big black circles for eyes. It’s odd to remember that once upon a time, running around dressed like Caspar the Friendly Ghost via Zippy the Pinhead was considered not only to be acceptable, but admirable. The times do change, thank fuck.
I love The Residents so damn much. When I was but a young man experimenting in the eldritch ways I spent an entire summer hypnotizing myself in the dark with a cigarette, listening to the Freak Show CD. I’d usually fall asleep to the sultry strains of Jelly Jack – “whoa whoa whoa, I’m Jello Jack, jolly boneless boy. I live inside, a jar beside, a rooster-boy named Roy…” – emanating through my subconscious. Even now, I could probably sing the album back to you with a minimum of error. On that note, and for your reading pleasure, the Jefitoblog has posted a massive primer to the best band ever, with sample MP3s a-plenty. Make sure to check out The Electrocutioner and Constantinople, from the album Duck Stab/Buster and Gen. It’s one of my favourites, and those two songs are wonderfully illustrative of the influence the Residents had on later bands such as Primus and They Might Be Giants. Also, please take a moment to listen to Nobody Laughs When They Leave, from Freakshow, to hear the song I want played at funeral. Thanks muchly to the always-wonderful Ectomo for pointing out this excellent retrospective.