I’ve got nothing. Just… huh.

When Harry Met Wookiee [Topless Robot via Funny Or Die]

Okay, so I’ve seen a lot of weird hand-made fan stuff in my time on this here series of tubes we call the interblag. I’ve also seen a lot of sexy cool stuff too. This, however, this… this shit just creeps me right the fuck out. What kind of batshit crazy mentality do you have to have to make a felt re-creation of Bella’s womb, complete with mutant vampire fetus? Look at that thing! Someone put a lot of time and effort into making it. Look how delicately they’ve formed the creepy little fetus. My gods people. If you could put this kind of drive and industry towards something like, say, curing cancer, we’d all live forever.

Just like your precious little sparkly vampires. Think about that.

You Need Help: Bella’s Womb From Twilight [Geekologie, via Cinematical]

Today in bacon news, we present the story of Mike Nelson, formerly the second-favourite host of beloved late-night movie show Mystery Science Theater 3000, and his ridiculous mission for the month of February. In his own words:

…for the entire month of February, 2009, I, Michael J. Nelson will eat nothing but bacon. Nothing, my friends, but bacon.

Major Mike is a sick, sick man, but I approve of his cause. Let us read farther for his reasoning behind this mad quest…

Why? Because bacon is nature’s finest and most nourishing food. Also, because several doubters on the RiffTrax staff had the unmitigated gall to insult bacon by making the outrageous claim that, as good as it is, no one could eat very much of it and live. I can and will. Therefore I will spend the month proving it.

Bravo, good sir, bra-vo. There’s nothing quite like doing something just to prove to a bunch of assholes on the internet that it can be done. Seriously, it takes a certain combination of chutzpah and balls-out (or vulva-out if you prefer) stubborness to dedicate yourself to a single form of food. He goes on to say he will not be using condiments either, which is astounded, though he does reserve the right to drink it up. Really, who are we to deny such a request?

Man Vows To Eat Only Bacon For A Month [Geekologie, via blog.rifftrax.com]

This is really far more awesome than it has any right to be.

Ali Dee and The Deekompressors – “Go Speed Racer Go” [BeucoupKevin(dot)com]

Bwah-hah-hah! Oh, goodness, I just want them to give Ron Perlman a talk show where he interviews people in-character as Hellboy. It would make me the happiest camper on the face of the planet. I know The Dark night is getting lots of kudos for its viral campaign, but I’m really enjoying Hellboy’s more. Bonus video after the jump – Inside The Actor’s Studio, with Hellboy!
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Now who would’ve thought this would happen? At the ripe old age of 71, Rudy Ray Moore is brining his biggest, baddest, blackest creation back to the screen! Dolemite is the man, didn’t you know? This trailer contains approximately 78 flavours of kick-ass, and I love each and every one, and so should you, sucker. Vive La Pimp!

The Dolemite Explosion [/Film]

Okay, lessee. Cute asian girls in cowboy hats, schoolgirl outfits, and skintight leather? Check. Said girls wielding big glowy swords or dual-fisted handguns? Check? Massive zombie massacreing? Check. Okay ladies and gents, I think we have a winner!

Oneechanbara is a movie based on a series of low-budget Japanese games which concentrate on too-hot-to-be-real women wearing strategically unsound outfits, who slaughter horde upon horde of zombies. Looks like there’ll finally be a video game movie which stays close to it’s source.

Okay, maybe it’s just a hologram projected over a fountain, but damn, isn’t it pretty? This is a Japanese promotion for The Water Horse, a new Disney movie about some Loch Ness Monster type of critter. Yes, it’s a giant, animated holographic projection of a water monster. I dunno, I saw the commercials and just couldn’t get over how crappy the CGI looked. However, this is way neater. The holographic technology was apparently developed by Disney years ago for their theme parks; I’ve never heard of it before, but it’s sure spiffy. The way it moves! Be sure to follow the link below for video footage!

Cool Stuff: Holographic Water Monster Invades Japan [/Film]

Sit down, my friends, I’m going to tell you a story about The Future. 2008 is just around the corner, and there’s a lot of movies that will be coming out, not just in North America, but all across the world. I’m very excited about some of these films. But today, this morning, I found a movie that I’m more excited about than any other film. This movie is truly the definition of that overused marketing term. “instant cult classic”.

I give you the trailer for Japan’s latest affront to taste, Machine Girl. I haven’t seen this much blood and gore in a movie trailer. Ever. Arms lopped off, heads severed, faces peeled away to reveal sinew and bone. Saucy stuff, indeed. I’m not thinking anyone is going to say this is the most original movie; the machine gun/chainsaw arm is an explicit call to Evil Dead/Planet Terror. But, hot schoolgirl amputee with a gatling gun arm! Finger food, throwing stars, flying guillotines, drill bras and stumps! Just watch the damn trailer, and remember, when you hear about this whacked out noise from your friends, Frankie already showed ya.

Machine Girl Movie Trailer: “The Cult Film of Next Year” [Slashfilm]

In honour of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, and as an educational tool, we’re happy to present to you, courtesy of the Taolodge, a Lohn John Silver soundboard, consisting of clips from the 1958 Disney version of Treasure Island, a pirate classic no matter who you are. Arr!

Long John Silver Soundboard [Taoloadge]

An interesting bit of news from Cinematical passed through the desk today, in regards to the plot for the in-development Jurassic park sequel:

“We’re told that the film is about the government who has trained dinosaurs to carry weapons and use them for battle purposes.”

While I’m sure this news will probably convince Michael Crichton to top himself just so he can start spinning in his grave, I for one am greatly enthused. Ever since seeing Dino-Riders as a young child, I’ve wanted to see more armed reptiles. Why should we stop at guns though? Rocket-launcher equipped Tyrannosaurus Rex! How about a Brontosaurus Apatosaurus as a mobile launcher for S/A missiles? Suicidal strike teams of Compys wired with C4 charges! The options are endless. Hell, instead of spending all this money on the “War on Terror”, I think the US should pull back, drop the dime on cloning, and get these suckers up and running! I mean, they’re not going to resurrect (and arm) themselves, are they?

‘Jurassic Park 4′ to Feature Gun-Toting Dinosaurs? [Bloody Disgusting : Cinematical]

“In the film Fight Club, the real name of the protagonist (Ed Norton’s character) is never revealed. Many believe the reason behind this anonymity is to give “Jack” more of an everyman quality. Do not be deceived. “Jack” is really Calvin from the comic strip Calvin and Hobbes. It’s true. Norton portrays the grown-up version of Calvin, while Brad Pitt plays his imaginary pal, Hobbes, reincarnated as Tyler Durden.”

And so begins The Return of Hobbes, a metatextual deconstruction of Fight Club which posits it to be a sequel of sorts to Bill Watterson’s amazing surrealist-fantasy comic strip, Calvin & Hobbes. Comparing the commodification of of the life of our unnamed protagonist of Fight Club to the artificial process of “growing up and being realistic”, Galvin Chow presents a thought-provoking comparison between the themes of Calvin & Hobbes (a self-absorbed, precocious child with a runaway imagination) to those of Fight Club (a world-weary yuppie who’s psyche literally forces him to destroy his materialistic life while not taking direct responsibility). It’s really astounding; almost everything fits, it all makes sense in some weird, twisted manner. While one would be foolish to argue that this was the genuine intention of the film, Chow’s essay definitely gives us a different viewpoint on both of these modern-day cultural touchstones.

Fight Club [Metaphilm]

In one of the more bizarre cultural mash-ups of our post modern society, in honour of their new feature film, the Simpson clan has been featured in a fashion spread in Harper’s Bazaar with Linda Evangelista. Homer dressed up as Karl Lagerfeld is probably one of the funniest sight gags I’ve ever seen, and Marge actually looks pretty damn hot with her hair down, lounging in the Versace dress you see above.

Simpsons Couture [NotCot, via Blogzilla]

Today for your listening pleasure, it’s my pleasure to present to you a collection of links to soundtrack blogs. These fine individuals collate the rare, obscure, and unreleased amongst cinematic sounds, and present them to the Web. Strike fast, and grab what you like; they usually have a short lifespan.

The Manchester Morgue is a great blog that’s updated every few days. Its primary focus seems to swing between teen comedy and obscure horror soundtracks, though the occasional post deals with old horror magazines or always-welcome episodes of MST3K.

Endless Mike doesn’t have a lot of stuff posted, but is well worth visiting for Esquivel’s soundtrack to Cabaret Trágico, apparently one of his last filmic works before moving to America for the big-time.

X-Y-Z Cosmonaut doesn’t specialize in music posts, but the ones he provides are top-notch. Soundtracks for Japanese kids show Battle Fever J and British comedian John Shuttleworth can be found on the first page, amongst posts about Doctor Who and indie comics. Definitely entertaining.

The Rare and OOP Soundtracks blog is precisely what is sounds like. Presenting a large selection of movie soundtracks, with a particular focus on the New Age style sound of bands such as Vangelis and Tangerine Dream, there’s a lot of stuff here which is amazingly obscure, or just plain unavailable anywhere else. Electronic artists will be sure to find this archive of interest, for inspiration, or moog-y 70s samples.

7 Black Notes, the self-described “Strange Side of Movie Music”, is no longer updating, but the links still work for now! Be sure to grab such rarities as the unreleased second score for Luc Besson’s The Big Blue, or the full soundtrack for Santa Claus: The Movie if you’re up for some Christmas in July.

Finally Soundtrack Sharity offers digital downloads of the promotional discs composers put out to advertise themselves or their work. Theres quite a few oddities here, from the soundtrack to Ernest Saves Christmas as composed by The X-Files’ Mark Snow, to an unreleased score for Air Force One composed by singer-songwriter Randy Newman.

The poster for Nihon Zangoku Monogatari (Cruel Tale Of Japan), a Japanese Mondo movie from 1963. Striking, isn’t it?

Found in the DVDManiacs forums

Sneaking around the LiveJournal, I stumbled upon this lovely looking photo of a very disheveled looking Clara Bow, the It girl of the 1920′s. While the post involved says she was trying to be a scorching seductress, I prefer to think of her as a little goofy on something, being photographed candidly. The post-romp hairdo, that crooked little grin, and the upwardly raised eyes all convey a humour and immediacy that you just can’t fake. However, it should be remembered that Miss Bow was amazingly adept at the art of pantomime; it is, of course, the quality that brought her such success in the age of silent film. Such a beautiful girl, such a strong actress. It’d be amazing to see what she could do nowadays.

Miss Bow attempts the role of a scorching seductress, via livejournal

Oh course, it was only a matter of time before I did a post on one of my great loves, Lucha Libre. The history of free wrestling in Mexico dates back to the turn of the twentieth century, and the masked wrestler has evolved into one of the icons of Mexican culture. One of the most notable instances of this is the dozens upon dozens of films starring wrestlers as their masked personas. By far the most famous cinematic luchadore is Santo, the silver-masked titan who starred in almost every genre possible, from crime comedies to vampiric horror. Somewhat less prolific, though no less famous, Santo often starred with Mil Mascaras and the Blue Demon, both of whom starred in films of their own. Santo And Friends is a deep, devoted site dedicated to these demi-gods of wrestling, their films, and the general sci-fi/fantasy cinema of Mexico. Well worth a look if you’ve ever had any interest in this most fascinating sub-section of cinema, or if you have any appreciation for the high-flying art of Lucha Libre.