It’s a fact that I love reading police reports. When the authoring officer has taken their time to do them well, the results can be rather arresting, if you’ll pardon the pun. Take for example this report, from this August in Portland, Oregon, about a 47 year old mean man who was caught naked, masturbating on a bridge:
While I was waiting for cover I could see [the subject] put lubrication on his semi-flaccid penis and then start to massage it in a rapid motion with his hand in a fist. He then picked up a rubber device and inserted his now erect penis in this rubber device and began to stroke the rubber device rapidly back and forth over his penis. He momentarily stopped and picked up a magazine and propped it on the pedestrian guardrail edge so he could better view it. He then disengaged the rubber device and began to kneel down and insert his penis in the pseudo vagina of the blow-up doll. He began to gyrate his hips back and forth while his erect penis was going in and out of the blow-up doll.
I then seized the blow-up doll, the packaged carton for the blow-up doll labeled as “Lindsay Fully Loaded Love Doll,” a personal rubber masturbation device and a pornographic magazine. The magazine was open to the nude picture of a female. As I attempted to deflate the blow-up doll, I could see that all three of the pseudo orifices of the doll had lubrication on them by the shiny, greasy sheen on them. I then took them to the Central Precinct property room and placed them in a locker as evidence.
Really, what the hell can you add to that? I just love the idea that this older man decided that the perfect way to get his rocks off that night was to stroll down to bridge on a warm summer night, dtrip down and make love to his shiny plastic lady friend. Unfortunately, the police report does not mention the size of his balls, because I am certain they were huge. A fun little footnote is found at the bottom of the report:
There was also a transient sleeping in a blanket about 3′ from where SB was engaged in his act(s).
Not only was he violating every hole on a Lindsay Lohan replica love doll, he was also doing it mere feet from a sleeping person! Did he not notice, as our society has trained us to just not see the needy, or did he like it? The brain shudders in turgid contemplation.
Masturbation on the Morrison Bridge: 2008’s Best Police Report [Pervscan via Willamette Week Online]