James Gunn, director of my favourite horror film of 2006, Slither, has teamed up with Spike TV to produce a series of segments called PG Porn. These segments pair favourite actors with hot-ass porn starlets, in sex scenes without, well, the sex. This installment, which is already burning its way around the ‘net is called Nailing Your Wife, stars Nathan Fillion and the delectable Aria Giovanni, and is, quite possibly, the best damn thing I’ve seen all week. And I saw an awesome masturbation video the other day.

PG Porn: Nailing Your Wife [Spike]

“If there was a committee, I imagine them telling her, ‘We’re sorry, but the formula to qualify for true sluttiness is as follows:

# of Total Men > Your Age x 1.5

Having slept with 40 men by the time you’re in your late 30s does not make you a slut. Go back into the world and get back to us when you’ve done something really depraved. Also, if you can, please find a better reason for sluttiness than your parents’ divorce. It’s been done.’” — Jessa Crispin

Frankly, I’d change that to # of Total Humans, but that’s just the PC in me.

Quote of the Day: Jessa Crispin [The Reverse Cowgirl]

Now here’s a bizarre little rarity. Back in the 1930s, Paramount pictures made a ton of little shorts under the blanket title of Hollywood On Parade, using a wide variety of actors, some famous stars, some not so much. The Three Stooges got their start in these films with Ted Healy, and some earlier Marx Brothers shorts were also part of the line. This is probably one of the weirdest ones I’ve seen though. Mae Questel, the voice of Olive Oyl for many years, was also the original Betty Boop. This short features her in a rare live performance as the lovely Miss Boop, singing a song to a pair of manly mannequins. Things are going swimmingly when suddenly Bela Lugosi shows up as the Count! With the chilling words, “Betty, you have booped your last boop,” some 1930s vampire-style necking occurs and, well, you get the picture.

Betty Boop Meets The Count [Ectoplasmosis]

Not much to say here, except to agree with the good Mr. Brownlee; it really is the best kind of rape.

Captain Awareness [Comics With Problems, via Ectoplasmosis and Hugo Strikes Back!]

Oh, Britney, is there anyone in the Western World who hasn’t seen your nasty little cooter? For someone who claims she just wants privacy, she’s had a hard time doing the things she needs to ensure that privacy, like say, wearing underwear. Anyways, as with all precious moments, Brit’s Box has been converted into collectible form, to be placed on your grandmother’s knick-knack shelf between the frowning child on the toilet and the little girl in the too-large gumboots and oversized yellow umbrella. Titled, “OOPS SHE DID IT AGAIN”, in all caps, no less, this charming little piece of art is available at a very-reasonable $39.95 USD. Click here to see the uncensored version, and while you’re at it, check out their spectacular piece called “Baby Drop”, which enshrines Michael Jackson’s inability to do anything right when it comes to children. Order both, save on shipping (and never speak to me again please)!

Britney Spears Shows Off Her Plastic Hot Pocket [Gizmodo]

Ah, another shining example of humanity’s ability to show tolerance and love. Er, maybe not. Thanks to GayGamer, we have this lovely little example of why I really don’t give a flying fuck about playing online: Everyone’s a jerk. A Halo 3 player who goes by the gamertag of xxxGayBoyxxx (subtle!) has compiled some rather damning evidence of the lack of maturity commonly found in the grim cultural wasteland that is online gaming. I honestly cannot believe some of this, but it’s a proven fact that when you don’t have to look someone in the eye while you’re talking to them, all social filters (aka “politeness”) get tossed faster than an illegal immigrant when the feds start sniffing around.

Breaking: There Is No Shortage Of Homophobes On Xbox Live [Kotaku, via GayGamer]

Ganked from BoingBoing, we have this lovely, yet instructive, image. Remember, if they look just like you, kill them! Obviously you can do them first, but make sure to off ‘em afterwards. Hey, they’d do the same to you!

Alternative Life Instructions [BoingBoing + About:blank]

The tagline states, “Where ravaging tentacles explore the female student body”, and there’s not a word of it a lie. Part porn site, part creepy tentacle-obsessed choose-you-own-adventure, Shokushu High isn’t for the weak of stomach or faint of heart. With a combination of carefully chosen illustrations and lavishly descriptive text, you’re invited to wander the halls of a school that brims with perversity and lust, not to mention pseudopods of evil. Highly recommended.

Shokushu High School [Adults only, NSFW]

Oh, if only it were true. I don’t know who made it, I don’t know what possessed them, but it’s here, and it’s absolutely hilarious. Using clips from the Super Mario Bros. Super Show, some brave soul has made what could’ve been the most educational thing ever for my generation: The Nintendo Sex Education Video. Prepare to learn as Mario and Luigi travel the pipes and tell you all about disease and hygeine! If only I’d seen this when I was younger, maybe I would’ve turned out better.

The Lost Nintendo Sex Ed. Tape [YouTube]

Taken from the headlines of the Ann Arbor News:

An Ann Arbor man is facing rape charges after police said he convinced a victim of a previous sexual assault that he wanted to help police by re-enacting the crime early Saturday morning.

I must say, that’s a new one in the ways of pick-up lines for me. “Oh, you poor thing. You know what I bet would help? A re-enactment! C’mon, we’ll do up the living room; you can use your bears!” I really wish I was exaggerating here. Well, maybe a bit on the fruity side, but really, read this from further down the article:

The woman said Stephens, whom she had known for several years, saw her and approached her in a grocery store about a week ago. During their conversation she said she was sexually assaulted in early May and that police were investigating but had not made an arrest, reports said. At the end of that conversation he agreed to fix her air conditioner in the near future, she said.

As the victim prepared for bed after midnight, Stephens came over holding a brown paper bag with a bottle of tequila, reports said. She told police that he said he had a friend in the police department who was interested in the case and suggested they re-enact the incident for “vital” information.

She agreed and they began drinking, as on the night of the previous assault. At one point they even rearranged furniture and placed stuffed animals in chairs to represent other people who were there that night, police reports said.

The fact that they actually used her stuffed animals for bystanders really tickles me. Okay, so, this guy you kinda know comes over to your house at midnight to “fix your air conditioner”, armed with a bottle of tequila and a hair-brained plan he got from his “friend” the “police officer”, and you don’t get the least little bit suspicious? I mean, I’m not one to play blame the victim or anything, but seriously, this girl needs to get her danger awareness ramped up. I mean, she just had her traumatic incident a little over two months ago, if that. Shouldn’t she be at least a little paranoid, if for no reason other than just post-traumatic stress? Some people just have no survival instincts nowadays. At least they guy’s been caught and charged though; I’d hate to think such a stupid and perverse plan would be rewarded by him escaping his just desserts.

Man accused of duping rape victim, from the Ann Arbor News, via PervScan (adults only)